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"Mom/Dad, she punched me!" "He punched me first!" "I did not!" "You did too!" Is this a familiar scene in your house? It is in mine. If there is more than one child in your home, it is more than likely an all too familiar scene. Guess What? This is totally normal and is what has come to be known as sibling rivalry. If handle in the proper manner these little episodes can even be controlled.
The first thing to do in dealing with sibling rivalry is to understand why it is happening. Most often the family will provide us with an environment that we can be ourselves. This is a place where we can be ourselves and we do not have to worry about what other people think. The family has become a testing ground for children. It is a place where they can learn self-control. cooperation, privacy of others, respect, how to handle anger and jealousy. Learning these lessons at a young age is much better than trying to teach them when they are older. The fact that children argue and fight is just a reflection of an important relationship in their young life.
It may be of little comfort to parents whose children seem to be at war both day and night, but many experts say that the more your children are allowed to compete within the comforts of the home; the better their relations will be as adults. They will be better prepared to deal with the conflicts and competitions that arise.
Although it is difficult to single out a specific cause for sibling rivalry, many agree that such conflicts are most times the result of a child's need to feel that he/she is important in their parents life. To a child, a parent's love means that they are safe and secure. When a child is struggling with their own self-identity, they get a feeling that their brothers or sisters are more important. This, naturally, then will bring about feelings of jealousy and competitiveness. If, your child throws a tantrum when you are trying to hand down something of theirs to a younger sibling, they are trying to tell you that they feel like they are being replaced. When a younger child always insists on playing the game their way, it is not that they really care about the game, they just want to feel important too.
It can be hard to decide when to intervene in these arguments and when not to. I would recommend trying not to unless it is absolutely necessary. I say this because, children are fighting for your attention and support. If you get involved it may only make things worse. When you intervene in an argument, the child who is playing the victim wins and the child who is playing the villain loses. What will happen next time is both the children will want to play the victim? This will set the stage for yet another fight. Also remember that if you are always quick to come to the aide of your child, they will never learn how to stand up for themselves.
What is important here is not so much that they fight, but that they want to make sure that you know all about it? The child is not always concerned with that they have been hurt or that something was unfair. They are most concerned that you will take a side and that you will love him/her the most.
It will take plenty of wisdom to settle the disputes between siblings, but sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing at all. If you think that you are getting involved to often, ask yourself the following:
1. Do you get angry when your children fight and argue?
2. Do you rush to see what the problem is every time one of your children makes any noise?
3. Do you stop the children each time they start an argument?
4. Do you always think that it is the same child starting things?
5. Do you give an answer to the problem before you really know what it is?
6. Do you only end up punishing the aggressor?
**If you have answered yes to more than one of these questions, you may need to rethink your approach.
Because most of the time when a child picks a fight, they will be smart enough to do it away from where your are; it will almost always be to difficult to determine who started it. Yes, Tommy hit Suzy. But, did she provoke it?
It would not be a good idea to have a policy of complete nonintervention, but you can decide before hand what the families policies for dealing with these quarrels is going to be. Explain to your children that you understand their feelings, and that whatever the reason is for their anger, they must find a friendly solution to the problem. Let them know that you will not tolerate taunting, fighting, or other behaviors that could hurt or harm. Let the know before an incident occurs, exactly what the punishment is going to be for breaking the rules that you have set up. Then, you need to be firm and stick to them.
When the rules are broken and you cannot determine who did it, make both children suffer the consequences. Whatever has happened, once everyone has calmed down-you should give your child the chance to express what they are feeling. Try to listen without judging. Many times parents will say something like, "I love you both" or "Don't you remember that I just....." Your child is trying to tell you something that is important to them. It is vital that you listen and take it seriously.
If no house rules were broken, but both children come running with two different stories; don't take either side. Separate the children and use what ever distractions work best for them.
As it is with most relationships, interplay between siblings can have some life long affects. Children who learn that it is okay to have their feelings of anger and jealousy toward each other and who are taught to work through those natural feelings; will have happier and healthier relationships in later years.
The following are just a few tips to help prevent or detour sibling rivalry:
1. Spend time with each of your children separately as well as together.
2. Realize that sometimes it will just be difficult for the children to get along.
3. Treat children as if they were unique and not equal.
4. Compliment them when they get along and do not fight.
5. Don't trap your child in their roles (example athlete, musician, artist, etc.)
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